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War in Wisconsin

Wisconsin Budget Protesters in the SnowLast month saw war break out in Wisconsin, over labor unions. In case you missed the headlines, this is basically how it went down:

Gov. Scott Walker: We have a budget shortfall and we have to make some hard choices. Therefore I’ve proposed a bill to destroy labor unions in Wisconsin.
Democratic State Senators: What??? We’re not going back to the Gilded Age!
Walker: What’s wrong with the Gilded Age?
Dems: We were willing to negotiate benefits and compensation, but getting rid of collective bargaining rights would mean families could just get steamrolled by their employers!
Walker: Oh, speaking of steamrolling, we Republicans control a majority of the State Senate, so you can’t really stop us.
Dems: Wait, it says in the State Constitution that the Wisconsin Senate needs at least 3/5 of its members present to vote on budgetary issues… if we don’t show up, they’ll be one short and can’t pass the bill!
Repubs: What??? Ok, well it also says the Seargant at Arms can “compel” the attendance of absent members…
Dems: We’re leaving the state – compel this! (Obscene gesture)
Sergeant at Arms: State troopers, after them!
State troopers: Too late, sorry. By the way, are you taking our bargaining rights away?
Repubs: No, you guys and firefighters are exempt. Because we like you.
News Media: Breaking news! Wisconsin state senators are hiding in another state and pro-union protesters have swarmed the Wisconsin Senate waving Egyptian flags!
American Public: WTF??

Now at this point in the story, if you’re like me, you might’ve just thought, wow, the Republicans are acting like jerks and the Democrats like children. I mean, the union-busting thing is harsh and radical, but running away and hiding out of state? Really?
But then things got more interesting:

Walker (picking up phone): Hello, who is this?
Liberal blogger: Oh hi Scott, this is David Koch, the oil tycoon who helped fund your campaign. How’s it going crushing those union bastards?
Walker: We’re holding strong. I’d be willing to talk to the Dem leader only if all 14 of them come back and sit in the assembly. When they do that we’ll have quorum, and then we can pass the bill behind their backs during the recess.
Liberal blogger: Beautiful. We’ll back you any way we can. We were thinking about planting some troublemakers in the crowd.
Walker: We thought about that, but if the protesters cause a ruckus it might make people call on me to solve the problem. Better to let them protest until the media stops finding it interesting.
Liberal blogger: Well, once you crush these bastards I’ll fly you out to Cali and really show you a good time.
Walker: Alright, that would be outstanding.

——————————-Later——————————-

Liberal blogger: Hey everybody! Listen to this prank call I recorded!
Walker: You gotta be kidding me.
American Public: WTF?
Walker: I just want to talk to the Dems…
Adm. Ackbar: It’s a TRAP!!!
Dems: What a corrupt a-hole!
Walker: Everybody calm down, I’m just doing what is necessary for the budget.
Dems: But there wasn’t a budget shortfall until you cut corporate taxes!
Wisconsin fiscal bureau: Actually, Wisconsin might end the year with a surplus.
Repubs: Blah, blah, blah, why do liberals just want to start class warfare all the time?
John Stewart: Doesn’t taking money from teachers and giving it to bankers count as class warfare?
Shep Smith of Fox News: There’s no budget crisis. This is purely political. Unions contribute big time to Democrats, so if you bust the unions, you bust the Democrats.
MSNBC: Wow, we agree with… the Fox News guy.
Walker: Big unions are dragging down the economy and getting in the way of responsible budgets.
Economists: Actually the five states prohibiting collective bargaining are in much worse budget crises than Wisconsin.
Walker: Well, I’m doing what’s best for Wisconsin.
Pollsters: A majority of Wisconsinites oppose Walker’s plan.
Dems: See, we’re not just being dicks.
News Media: The protesters are growing in number and not relenting. Protests are spreading to other states with similar measures being debated.
John Stewart: It’s the “Bizarro Tea Party” – the liberal grassroots are waking up!
Glenn Beck: These protests are part of an Islamo-socialist alliance that is spreading across the globe, starting with the revolutions in the Middle East!
American Public: WTF?
Repubs: Well we’re going to fine the Dems $100 for each day they’re absent and pass a resolution ordering their arrest!
Legal Experts: We don’t think that’s legal…
Green Bay Packers: We stand with the protesters.
Charlie Sheen: Winning!

And that pretty much wraps up the War in Wisconsin so far.

Categories: Deficit/Debt, Economy Tags: ,
  1. Raresparky
    March 11th, 2011 at 10:35 | #1

    Small technicality (perhaps), but I think Gov. Walker didn’t include police and firefighters because he knew that would create a juggernaut of allied forces against him.

  2. David Brisson
    March 21st, 2011 at 01:16 | #2

    @Raresparky
    Good point. Although since ramming through his anti-bargaining measures, he may have already unleashed a Pandora’s box that will lead to his recall (Wisconsin allows citizens to recall a governor after his/her first year). They won’t be able to start the petition until 2012, though, and will need signatures from 25% of his constituents. We shall see!

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