Archive for April, 2012

Marco Rubio Will Not Be Mitt Romney’s Running Mate

April 27th, 2012 1 comment

I was originally hoping to get ahead of the media frenzy around choosing Romney’s running mate by writing this post a couple months ago, before Romney’s nomination was assured. However, Santorum’s unexpected resilience as a candidate and sudden emergence as an actual contender pushed such thoughts onto the back burner. Then when he just as suddenly dropped out of the race, Mitt Romney’s spot as the nominee was sealed and the media frenzy over “veepstakes” had already begun. So basically Santorum twice screwed up my blog-writing plans. What an A-hole.

Marco Rubio official portrait


Anyway, back to the main idea here. Marco Rubio will not be Mitt Romney’s running mate. Neither will any of the people who competed in the primaries and debates against Mitt. But first let me back up. You either read the title of this post and thought, “Why not?” or else you thought, “Marco who?”

To sum up, Marco is a handsome, charismatic, young, conservative, Republican, Tea-Party-darling Senator of Florida. Plus he’s hispanic (Cuban parents to be precise). He looks and sounds like a perfect fit for a VP pick, and he potentially shores up support among some major groups Team Romney should really be worried about: hispanics, Tea Partiers, young people, and people who prefer interesting and charismatic candidates.

However, beneath the surface analysis (also known as “news-level analysis”), all is not well in Marcolandia.

First of all, he faces some lingering ethics issues, and that probably disqualifies him right there. But the less well-known and almost un-talked about fact is that Rubio used to be Mormon. It was only until the age of 12 or 13, when he then moved on to Baptism and then Roman Catholicism, but still, he was quite active in the Church of Latter Day Saints early on. Although Rubio is a talented speaker, and has already backed away from his past, saying he doesn’t remember much of his time as a Mormon, I believe it is just enough to push the young Senator into the risky category of a very cautious Mitt Romney’s VP list. Mitt already knows that people are uncomfortable with his religious upbringing, so he is unlikely to overlook the potential for greater distrust and all sorts of conspiracy theories if he chooses a running mate who was also baptized as a Mormon.

So who will he choose? Former primary opponents are usually a good source of VP material; just think Reagan/Bush or Kerry/Edwards (ok, let’s not think about Edwards, actually). But anyway, in this case, that possibility is incredibly remote. Romney barely made it out of what was described as the weakest crop of presidential candidates in ages. Why would he pick from the same tepid pool that was so weak it let him win? He was the weakest candidate except all the others, to twist a quote from Churchill. I don’t really feel like regurgitating all the debilitating weaknesses of each former opponent, so I won’t, but trust me, you won’t be seeing Santorum, Gingrich, Paul or any of the others on the ticket come November. Tim Pawlenty dropped out early and doesn’t really have any baggage, but he also brings nothing special to the table. Jon Huntsman would be the only strong addition from the bunch, except he’s also… wait for it… Mormon.

So that leaves us with potentials from a few other groups. First there’s the fantasy league. These are the guys (and gal) that Republicans had wet dreams about entering the race, or somehow becoming the nominee after a brokered convention: Chris Christie, Mitch Daniels, Paul Ryan, Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, and (of course) Sarah Palin.

Next up are the people that are being considered by GOP insiders and media commentators as party leaders or rising stars that might be promising: Jim DeMint (Sen. SC), Bobby Jindal (Gov. LA), Bob McDonnell (Gov. VA), Rob Portman (Sen. OH), Nikki Haley (Gov. SC), Mike Pence (Rep. Indiana), Eric Cantor (Rep. VA), Brian Sandoval (Gov. NV), and Susana Martinez (Gov. NM).

Dark Horse

Official portrait of PA Senator Pat Toomey

Going even deeper into the rabbit hole, we find the dark horses. These are people that you probably wouldn’t have heard of unless they’re local to you or you were really following all the veepstakes chatter: Luis Fortuño (Gov. of Puerto Rico), Jim Talent (former Missouri Senator & Romney advisor), Patrick Toomey (Sen. PA), Kelly Ayotte (Sen. NH), John Thune (Sen. SD), Mary Fallin (Gov. OK), Terry Branstad (Gov. IA), and others.

Lastly, after the dark horses there are the longshots. These are the most interesting or innovative suggestions that nonetheless are highly unlikely, especially given Romney’s track record of risk-aversion. They include such interesting possibilities as Condoleeza Rice, General Petraeus, Rand Paul, and Tim Tebow (just kidding… but really, that would win, right?).

In my next post, I will put all these names and more to the test in a VP battle royale to bring you who will be on Mitt Romney’s short list. The results may surprise you…

Allen West’s Communist Spidey Sense

April 14th, 2012 No comments
Allen West official portrait

Allen West is kind of like the Oprah of baseless ideological allegations.

On Tuesday, Tea-Party blowhard, resident House crazy person, and Sarah Palin VP recommendation, Allen West, said that he knows 78 to 81 Democrats in Congress that are members of the Communist Party, but declined to provide names. This has blown up exactly the way anyone could have expected, with plenty of yelling and finger-pointing, and the national Communist Party getting really excited, checking it’s member list, then slumping back down with a heavy sigh.

While this has led to accusations of empty fear-mongering, and comparisons between Rep. Allen West and Sen. Joe McCarthy (behind the similar 1950s Red Scare), many in the media are missing the fact that Allen West developed an extra-human ability to detect communists when he was exposed to radiation from hidden WMDs while serving in Iraq. Really we should realize how blessed we are to have a man with his unique abilities, and learn what we can from West in order to defend America.

So who else has Allen West discovered is a member of the Communist Party? Here’s the official list:

  • Barack Obama
  • Vladimir Putin
  • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
  • France
  • 8 to 9 players for the New York Jets
  • 18 to 24 members of the New Haven Yacht Club
  • 3 of the waitresses at the Denny’s outside of Alexandria
  • Allen West’s mother-in-law
  • 140 to 155 Disney World workers
  • 89% of illegal aliens
  • Every Starbucks barista
  • Leonardo da Vinci (also a queer)
  • 52 to 54 NPR commentators
  • 40 to 48 Sesame Street Muppets
  • 10-12 actors on the Mad Men cast
  • 9 out of 10 dentists
  • The Lucky Charms leprechaun
  • Phil Schroeder (who never returned Allen West’s power drill, that asshole)
  • The taxi driver when Allen West was late to get to Georgetown that one time
  • People who try pass in front of you while you’re waiting in line at the supermarket, even though there’s room behind you if they had just waited for the traffic to clear after the other people passed by
  • Hippies
  • DC barbers (except for Willis, he’s cool)
  • The cast of Glee
  • Anyone wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a tie
  • Alec Baldwin

Now that you know where evil lurks, go forth and warn others!

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: ,

Economic Philosophy Explained!

April 5th, 2012 No comments

Pile of Cash

A rag-tag group of people adhering to various stripes of sociopolitical and economic philosophy are walking in the woods one day when they happen upon a giant pile of cash just sitting by itself on the ground…

The conservative turns to the liberal and yells, “I’ll fight you for it!”

The liberal takes a step back and says, “Hey now, we can split it.”

The egalitarian says, “Yeah, we should split it equally.”

The socialist says, “No, we should give more to the people that need it most.”

The utilitarian says, “Well, only if that will increase everyone’s overall happiness the most.”

The postmaterialist says, “Well I don’t want any.”

The voluntaryist says, “That’s fine.”

The communist says, “We need to give it to the government to redistribute.”

The mercantilist says, “What??? We can’t let anyone else touch it!”

The altruist says, “We should give it away.”

The philanthropist says, “I know a good charity.”

The capitalist says, “No, we should invest it.”

The libertarian chimes in, “I say everyone just grabs as much as they can.”

The objectivist punches the libertarian, saying, “Damn straight!” and starts scooping up armfuls of cash.

The environmentalist yells, “Careful! That’s a rare fungus!”

The liberal internationalist says, “Hey, stop that!”

The liberal interventionist says, “Son of a bitch!” and tackles the objectivist.

The neoconservative kicks the objectivist in the balls and says, “Yeah, it’s not yours!” and starts scooping his own armful of cash.

The Jew says, “Oy.”

The Spaniard says, “Olé!”

The Brit says, “Well I never!”

The technocrat says, “Please stop fighting, I’ve developed a game-theory formula to determine the optimal distribution for the money.”

The populist says, “Shut up egghead! I’m giving this money to the people who deserve it!” and starts wrestling with the others.

The monarchist shouts, “For king and country!” and leaps into the fray.

The feminist rolls her eyes at the guys fighting.

The Obama supporter says, “This isn’t the change I voted for.”

The Ron Paul supporter starts rambling about the Fed and currency devaluation.

The millennial is totally tweeting about this right now.

The surrealist offers to exchange the trampled fungus for a melted elephant timezone.

The dadaist starts making whooping noises.

Jacques Cousteau looks lost.

The Joker sets the pile of money on fire.

The anarchist yells, “Mosh pit!” and jumps into the smoldering brawl.

….And the priest, the rabbi, and the monk leave to go find a bar.

So what did we learn today, kids? That’s right: economics. Now be sure to enjoy your Easter, Passover, or weekend that is longer than most other weekends.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: ,