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Economic Philosophy Explained!

Pile of Cash

A rag-tag group of people adhering to various stripes of sociopolitical and economic philosophy are walking in the woods one day when they happen upon a giant pile of cash just sitting by itself on the ground…

The conservative turns to the liberal and yells, “I’ll fight you for it!”

The liberal takes a step back and says, “Hey now, we can split it.”

The egalitarian says, “Yeah, we should split it equally.”

The socialist says, “No, we should give more to the people that need it most.”

The utilitarian says, “Well, only if that will increase everyone’s overall happiness the most.”

The postmaterialist says, “Well I don’t want any.”

The voluntaryist says, “That’s fine.”

The communist says, “We need to give it to the government to redistribute.”

The mercantilist says, “What??? We can’t let anyone else touch it!”

The altruist says, “We should give it away.”

The philanthropist says, “I know a good charity.”

The capitalist says, “No, we should invest it.”

The libertarian chimes in, “I say everyone just grabs as much as they can.”

The objectivist punches the libertarian, saying, “Damn straight!” and starts scooping up armfuls of cash.

The environmentalist yells, “Careful! That’s a rare fungus!”

The liberal internationalist says, “Hey, stop that!”

The liberal interventionist says, “Son of a bitch!” and tackles the objectivist.

The neoconservative kicks the objectivist in the balls and says, “Yeah, it’s not yours!” and starts scooping his own armful of cash.

The Jew says, “Oy.”

The Spaniard says, “Olé!”

The Brit says, “Well I never!”

The technocrat says, “Please stop fighting, I’ve developed a game-theory formula to determine the optimal distribution for the money.”

The populist says, “Shut up egghead! I’m giving this money to the people who deserve it!” and starts wrestling with the others.

The monarchist shouts, “For king and country!” and leaps into the fray.

The feminist rolls her eyes at the guys fighting.

The Obama supporter says, “This isn’t the change I voted for.”

The Ron Paul supporter starts rambling about the Fed and currency devaluation.

The millennial is totally tweeting about this right now.

The surrealist offers to exchange the trampled fungus for a melted elephant timezone.

The dadaist starts making whooping noises.

Jacques Cousteau looks lost.

The Joker sets the pile of money on fire.

The anarchist yells, “Mosh pit!” and jumps into the smoldering brawl.

….And the priest, the rabbi, and the monk leave to go find a bar.

So what did we learn today, kids? That’s right: economics. Now be sure to enjoy your Easter, Passover, or weekend that is longer than most other weekends.

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