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Hey There America, it’s Joe

Joe BidenHey there America,

It’s Joe Biden, just popping in to say hello. It’s been a little while since we’ve chatted one-on-one, so I thought maybe you’d be up for a little cup o’ Joe. See, I kinda want to check in on how things stand between us, because, well… ok, let me just get to the point. I know you love Hillary. Aw hell, I love Hillary! So does Barack – I mean, what’s not to like? She’s a dynamite gal.

Anyway, I sat down for breakfast with Hillary last August and I was like, “Listen Hillary, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You’re a dynamite gal. America loves you. Barack and I love you. Are you gonna run for prez in 2016 or not? Because I’m thinking about taking another shot at it, but not if it means stepping on your toes, ya know? If you want the big gig, it’s all yours. I’ll roll out the carpet. I just wanna know if I should start pulling out the Smooth Joe playbook, or if it’s time to get a Hilldog tattoo.”

I’m not gonna tell you exactly what she said, but I went out to do a steak fundraiser in Iowa right after that. If you know what I mean.

Ok, my point is this: I’m your guy. I don’t know how it happened, but I probably have the best shot at being the next Democratic President of the USA. Surprised? I know I am. That’s why I wanted to see how things stand between us. I don’t want you to feel like old Joe was thrown in your stocking like a secondhand etch-a-sketch when you wanted an iPad. And you shouldn’t! I know my mouth’s got a mind of it’s own sometimes and I remind folks of their uncle who makes off-color jokes, but deep down I’m a serious guy with some serious achievements.

For starters, I genuinely care about women’s rights. One of my proudest achievements is authoring the Violence Against Women Act, making the National Domestic Violence Hotline, giving law enforcement officials better training on how to help domestic violence victims, and finally making stalking a felony offense. I’ve pushed for equal pay and worked to crack down on date rape drugs.

I’ve been outspoken about gay marriage, too. I sure let a big “gaffe” slip in 2012 when I said I backed gay marriage. I may have gotten a lot of flak inside of the administration for that, but in the end, I forced the President to take a stand. It wasn’t the White House’s official position yet, but dammit I couldn’t just waffle when asked a direct question about something like that.

I’m serious about gun control, even when a lot of politicians don’t want to take a strong stand. I think it’s a big f***ing deal. Damn, I gotta stop saying that. You see, you can name a whole range of progressive issues that I’ve actually taken a stronger stand on than Barack or Hillary. No disrespect, I think they’re awesome, but I’m just saying if you’re a progressive, I should have some serious street cred on your, well, wherever you record street cred.

Anyway, my point is, if Hillary’s tired of all the Bengazi bullcrap and sexism and Monica Lewinsky jokes, and just wants to do some good work out of the limelight for a while, maybe you don’t have to be so disappointed about getting old Joe instead. I’m not so bad am I? I know it’s probably an issue of my style for some of you, and I’m sorry. I’ll just never look or sound as polished as President Obama at his best. Although I could probably sound more Polish, haha, just kidding. I also know electing an old white guy won’t be any kind of diversity breakthrough. But maybe give me a second look. I could surprise you.

Or this is all a ploy to throw the media off Hillary’s trail a little bit. Wink wink ­čśë

Later gators,
Joey B.

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