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Posts Tagged ‘2016’

The 2016 GOP Contenders in 60 Seconds

July 18th, 2015 No comments

Many friends have approached me, saying, “I’d like to know what to expect from the ridiculous number of Republicans running for president, but without having to listen to any of them or think about them for too long. Don’t you have a blog where you could post something like that?”

Yes, many friends. Yes indeed.

Here are all the major Republican candidates that have announced or are expected to announce, plus my opinion of their chances of winning, and one strength and one weakness for each one.

Go:

Jeb BushJeb Bush
Chances: Slim
Strength: Last Name
Weakness: Last Name (Also: Boring)

Marco RubioMarco Rubio
Chances: Slim
Strength: Young Charismatic Latino
Weakness: Inexperience

Mike HuckabeeMike Huckabee
Chances: Slim
Strength: Culture Warrior
Weakness: Non-Culture Issues

Scott WalkerScott Walker
Chances: Slim
Strength: Koch Brothers’ Chosen Boy
Weakness: Campaigning

Rand PaulRand Paul
Chances: Very Slim
Strength: Cult Following
Weakness: Pro-Marijuana, Pro-Civil Liberties

Rick SantorumRick Santorum
Chances: Very Slim
Strength: Homophobia
Weakness: Being a Smug Prick

Rick PerryRick Perry
Chances: Very Slim
Strength: Looks Smarter in Glasses
Weakness: Still Dumb as a Boot

Chris ChristieChris Christie
Chances: Very Slim
Strength: Loud and Blunt
Weakness: Well-Publicized Scandal

Lindsey GrahamLindsey Graham
Chances: Nope
Strength: Foreign Policy Experience
Weakness: Girl’s Name

Ted CruzTed Cruz
Chances: No
Strength: Occasionally Taken Seriously
Weakness: Always Looks Like a Muppet About to Cry

Donald TrumpDonald Trump
Chances: Dear God No No No
Strength: Name Recognition
Weakness: Everything Else

Ben CarsonBen Carson
Chances: No
Strength: Black Political Outsider
Weakness: Black Political Outsider

Bobby JindalBobby Jindal
Chances: Nope
Strength: Nope
Weakness: Nope

John KasichJohn Kasich
Chances: Nope
Strength: From Ohio
Weakness: Who?

George PatakiGeorge Pataki
Chances: No Sir
Strength: He Used to be a Governor?
Weakness: He Wasn’t Even That Good

Carly FiorinaCarly Fiorina
Chances: Haha, No
Strength: Only Woman
Weakness: Spotty Business Record, No Political Record

 

Is it over yet?

No. Donald Trump is still a real person.

 

Hey There America, it’s Joe

July 31st, 2014 No comments

Joe BidenHey there America,

It’s Joe Biden, just popping in to say hello. It’s been a little while since we’ve chatted one-on-one, so I thought maybe you’d be up for a little cup o’ Joe. See, I kinda want to check in on how things stand between us, because, well… ok, let me just get to the point. I know you love Hillary. Aw hell, I love Hillary! So does Barack – I mean, what’s not to like? She’s a dynamite gal.

Anyway, I sat down for breakfast with Hillary last August and I was like, “Listen Hillary, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You’re a dynamite gal. America loves you. Barack and I love you. Are you gonna run for prez in 2016 or not? Because I’m thinking about taking another shot at it, but not if it means stepping on your toes, ya know? If you want the big gig, it’s all yours. I’ll roll out the carpet. I just wanna know if I should start pulling out the Smooth Joe playbook, or if it’s time to get a Hilldog tattoo.”

I’m not gonna tell you exactly what she said, but I went out to do a steak fundraiser in Iowa right after that. If you know what I mean.

Ok, my point is this: I’m your guy. I don’t know how it happened, but I probably have the best shot at being the next Democratic President of the USA. Surprised? I know I am. That’s why I wanted to see how things stand between us. I don’t want you to feel like old Joe was thrown in your stocking like a secondhand etch-a-sketch when you wanted an iPad. And you shouldn’t! I know my mouth’s got a mind of it’s own sometimes and I remind folks of their uncle who makes off-color jokes, but deep down I’m a serious guy with some serious achievements.

For starters, I genuinely care about women’s rights. One of my proudest achievements is authoring the Violence Against Women Act, making the National Domestic Violence Hotline, giving law enforcement officials better training on how to help domestic violence victims, and finally making stalking a felony offense. I’ve pushed for equal pay and worked to crack down on date rape drugs.

I’ve been outspoken about gay marriage, too. I sure let a big “gaffe” slip in 2012 when I said I backed gay marriage. I may have gotten a lot of flak inside of the administration for that, but in the end, I forced the President to take a stand. It wasn’t the White House’s official position yet, but dammit I couldn’t just waffle when asked a direct question about something like that.

I’m serious about gun control, even when a lot of politicians don’t want to take a strong stand. I think it’s a big f***ing deal. Damn, I gotta stop saying that. You see, you can name a whole range of progressive issues that I’ve actually taken a stronger stand on than Barack or Hillary. No disrespect, I think they’re awesome, but I’m just saying if you’re a progressive, I should have some serious street cred on your, well, wherever you record street cred.

Anyway, my point is, if Hillary’s tired of all the Bengazi bullcrap and sexism and Monica Lewinsky jokes, and just wants to do some good work out of the limelight for a while, maybe you don’t have to be so disappointed about getting old Joe instead. I’m not so bad am I? I know it’s probably an issue of my style for some of you, and I’m sorry. I’ll just never look or sound as polished as President Obama at his best. Although I could probably sound more Polish, haha, just kidding. I also know electing an old white guy won’t be any kind of diversity breakthrough. But maybe give me a second look. I could surprise you.

Or this is all a ploy to throw the media off Hillary’s trail a little bit. Wink wink ­čśë

Later gators,
Joey B.